


bent to fly

by earthbxnder



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Multi, Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4064773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthbxnder/pseuds/earthbxnder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a simple mission that gets out of hand, and suddenly Jinora’s world is turned completely upside down. older!Jinora-centric. Kainora and more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beginnings

**i.**

When she’s on the brink of twenty, Jinora’s world turns over.

It starts with a mission. It’s simple, nothing she hasn’t heard before. She’s with her father, Chief Beifong and Suyin when a group of bandits called the Kage comes up in discussion, a rising problem for merchants and tourists that frequent the Misty Palms Oasis on the very edge of the Si Wong desert.

As the years passed after Kuvira’s fallen empire, bandits were becoming less and less of an issue in the Earth Kingdom, but the problem had never truly gone away, and likely never would. Su explains that, while the Kage was not a group other nations had to concern themselves with yet, least of all Republic City, locals complaints had dubbed them as terrorists - rising to a chaotic power - and concern was steadily rising. With Avatar Korra in the South Pole with Asami, Tenzin offers to dispatch a band of airbenders to handle the situation, as it was the Air Nomad’s duty to help restore peace and balance when the Avatar was unable.

Jinora jumps at her chance. “I’ll go,” she says, and suddenly everyone’s eyes are on her; she feels small, not at all nineteen, but twelve again. Lin looks impressed, Suyin unreadable.

Her father splutters, hand freezing on his beard. “What? Jinora, I understand that you want to help, but as one of only two airbending masters we need you here at the Temple.” He remarks, stern. “I admire your dedication, but this is simply too dangerous of a task. I cannot ask you to put your life at risk.”

“But you’ll ask anybody else,” Jinora says, crossing tattooed arms over her chest. “I’m an airbending Master, dad, and I won’t be going alone.”

“We need you here to help guide the new airbenders into a new spiritual age.” Tenzin says, “no one has the connection to the spirits like you do. Realize your priorities lie here.”

She feels a flush of heat color her cheeks, a storm brewing inside of her. Her fingers clench, tight, fingernails leaving imprints in the flesh of her palms. “Ikki is only months away from getting her tattoos. She’s perfectly capable, and she loves to teach. I’ll be twenty years old in four months, and I can make my own decisions now. You can’t keep me here and treat me like a child anymore, dad. I want to help. I _will_.”

“I say you let her go,” Lin supplies; Jinora is thankful to have some support. Tenzin looks at her as if she’s grown a second head. She shrugs.

“Fighting it will only make her want to go more,” Su adds, “and going recklessly to spite you will help no one. Jinora is capable to get the job done. You need to have more faith in your daughter.”

The more she speaks the more and more defeated her father looks, realizes that the three of them are right and he cannot stop her from going on this mission no matter how hard he tried. He’s not happy to let her go, but when he turns to her, stroking his greying beard, there’s resignation in his eyes, and maybe a little pride. Jinora tries not to think too much into it, doesn’t know if it’s really there or if she’s just seeing what she wants to. He agrees with a sigh, and his cheeks turn a bright red when Jinora mentions she’s going to be asking Kai to come along (his daughter and her boyfriend, together? Never! Absolutely not!), but her arms are still crossed, features still stern, and he doesn’t fight it anymore.

-

“How come Jinora gets to go out and I don’t?” Ikki stomps her foot and places her hands on her hips, glaring up at her father who had heard that statement many times when she was young. Except now, Meelo wasn’t there to back her up, too busy torturing the new airbenders with their training.

Jinora pokes Ikki’s forehead with her finger and smirks at her. Her hair doesn’t curl at her chin anymore; instead it’s at her shoulders and cut shorter in the back. She keeps the bun, but it’s smaller. She’s more beautiful, and her eyes are wise but there’s youth in them too - a youth that Kai had brought out of her years ago, thank Agni. She doesn’t have her wingsuit on, she hardly wears it anymore, and is instead wearing her traditional Air Nomad garbs; it’s sleeveless and yellow, red fabric draped over one shoulder and tied around her waist. The bottom half of it hangs around her legs, split down the middle from the knot around her waist where the yellow garbs peak out. Knee high boots, brown pants tucked in. Its more feminine and pretty than the tunic Ikki wears. “Because I’m older than you are,” she remarks casually, and Ikki swats her hand away. “I can do what I want. And I’m a master.”

“That’s not fair!” Ikki pouts, glaring at her. “Daddy, tell Jinora to stop being annoying!”

“Annoying?” Jinora scoffs at her, her arms crossing over her chest in disbelief. “Speak for yourself! You’re the sixteen year old throwing a temper tantrum!”

“GIRLS, THAT IS ENOUGH.” Tenzin booms, and the two of them fall silent immediately. Their father is red in the face, and there’s a vein popping out on his forehead, tattooed fists clenched at his side. “I cannot have the two of you arguing like children. Ikki, understand that we need you here with Meelo to continue teaching the new airbenders. You are an excellent teacher, and I trust your ability with them. Jinora,” he sighs, rubs a hand down his face. He looks tired and defeated, like he expected her to change her mind. “Although I do not approve of you going, you are nineteen now, and are capable of making your own decisions. This mission is dangerous -”

“But I won’t be going alone,” Jinora reminds him, eyes narrowed in determination. She’s like an earthbender, like her mother’s heritage. Their father says, later, that he had never seen an airbender as grounded as Jinora. “Kai and Opal will be with me, and Ryu and some of the others. We can handle it if things get out of hand.”

“I believe you.” Tenzin places a hand on her shoulder, looks her in the eye. Ikki feels that an enormous amount of trust is being exchanged between them in that moment. “Come home safe. Your mother will be a nervous wreck until you do, and I don’t know what I would do if something were to happen.”

Jinora’s lips twist  into a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I will dad, I promise.”

Two weeks later, she breaks her promise.

-

Jinora, Opal, Kai and Ryu arrive at the Misty Palms Oasis two days later. She lands Pepper outside the walls, and they’re welcomed by a sandbander named Masaki, a retired soldier from Kuvira’s army - made innkeep - who had offered his services of protection with another group of benders to the merchants and tourists who were passing through should they need it. He is one of many to agree that these raiders were on the brink of terrorism, that there were rumors of the group expanding among the nations and Republic City (Jinora passes this information onto her father and the Chief later on).

“The Kage are notorious for their ability to escape the grasps of authority unscatched, and their ability to go undetected for long periods of time,” Masaki explains, leading them into the Inns lobby, “we’ve sent out scouting groups to look for their hideout, we’ve come up empty handed every damn time. They raid primarily during the night and early mornings, can’t be more than ten to fifteen members. Benders and nonbenders too, they come with weapons, and their faces are always masked.”

“Almost sounds like the equalists,” says Kai. He leans against the wall near the doorway, Jinora tries not to stare at the growing muscles of his crossed arms.

“But this isn’t a hate group, and they don’t have those sparking gloves,” Masaki insists, takes a seat behind his desk and runs a bandaged hand through his dark hair. His fingers are callous, fingernails dirty. “Last time they came through was three nights before you airbenders got here. One of the firebenders set fire to one of the taverns just a few blocks off. Our waterbenders managed to put out the fire before it burnt to ash, but they’d already gotten every last Yuan, left three bodies behind. The traders whole family, one of them was only a little girl.”

Jinora tries to fight the nausea that churns in her stomach; it’s waging a war, threatening to rise up her throat. She pushes it down, catches Opal’s eyes. The older girl looks troubled, lips poised in a gentle frown. Ryu stands beside them, glasses askew; his expression hasn’t changed.

Kai is angry, cheeks bright red. “We’ll get them,” he says, confidant, standing tall, his arms at his sides. “No one else needs to die because of these monsters. We’ll bring them to justice.”

Masaki smiles, and it’s grim and doesn’t reach his eyes. Jinora can tell he appreciates them being here - passionate as he is about stopping the bandits as well, she can see he’s exhausted, can see he’s been losing sleep and not taking care of himself. She wonders if this is his redemption mission, wonders if it’s bringing him peace from the destruction he helped cause in Republic City nearly six years ago. Maybe that’s why he’s pushing himself so hard. Or maybe he’s just a good person. Jinora can’t tell.

“We’re here to help in any way that we can,” Jinora adds, “and we won’t leave until this is over.”

“There are no words to thank you all for coming all this way,” Masaki says. “The biggest rooms we have available is 205 - 207 just across the way. Your stay is on me.”

They get settled in their respective rooms, and it’s the first time that Kai and Jinora get to sleep in the same bed without worry that one of her annoying younger siblings, or Spirits forbid, her father, would walk in on them. Opal takes the room directly next to them, and Ryu disappears into the one next to hers. It’s not a luxury, not that any of them were expecting it to be, but it’s something - it’s comfortable, and half of the time wouldn’t be occupied.

Word must have gotten around that the small band of airbenders have been patrolling Misty Palms, because nothing out of the ordinary happens for an entire week that they’re there. Ryu is restless between bar hopping, Kai and Opal a little bored. Jinora herself, even, after frequenting the same book stand and returning to their room empty handed. The spiritual energy was fairly normal, nothing disturbing to note, and she spent her afternoons meditating when she wasn’t on watch. They were beginning to believe that the bandits might have moved on upon hearing of their arrival, and would have left to return to Air Temple Island had it not been for the lack of news on the radio. The Earth Kingdom, at the time, was at relative peace. In fact, it was so quiet, that it didn’t feel right at all.

So Jinora insists that they stay a little longer. “Let’s just wait it out,” she says, and they’re all gathered in her and Kai’s room, an abandoned Pai Sho board on the floor. “We don’t want to leave too soon.”

Turns out, they don’t have to wait long at all.

Turns out, the bandits attack not five hours later.

-

When the Kage do take action, it’s in a way that no one really expects: they blow up Ryu’s room.

He gets lucky; he isn’t there when it happens, he’s with the other’s just two rooms down, elbows on his knees and bored face in his hands. The explosion rattles the building, and the four of them are knocked over where they stand. They stumble out into a cloud of smoke and sand, debris falling like snow. The building is collapsing in on itself, unsteady and made of stone, and residents around them are screaming, scattering. Masaki and the others are running toward them. Jinora’s ears are ringing from the loudness of it, and she can hardly see through the smoke, so she sends a gust of wind from her palm, clears the air just a little for some visibility.

And then the bandits are there, all around them, wielding sharp pointed weapons, and there’s so many of them she can’t count them all. The Kage members give them no time to react, no time to truly think. The airbenders are separated, and Jinora is on her own.

So she moves, because she’s been standing still for too long, and when she turns a figure punches her across the face so hard she nearly falls, but doesn’t, staggers to her feet. She can taste blood in her mouth. As an Air Nomad Jinora’s primary instinct is to defend, not attack, but it’s him or her, and she knows that if she doesn’t fight back she’s as good as dead. Palm flat, she throws the figure backwards with a powerful gust of wind; he crashes into one of his companions, and they topple to the ground with a smack, howling in anger. One of the bandits is a firebender - she wonders if this is the one who killed that family, took a young girl’s life away before it started; sends bursts of air in their direction, blocking the balls of fire that come hurtling after her.

Kai is in the air, swooping down, a volt of wind kicks out from his feet, knocking down the bandit that had hit her before he had time to recover himself, knocking him further away. The ground is shaking, Jinora can’t steady herself, and there’s a distinct sound of clashing metal somewhere behind her.

It’s chaos, and then somehow, it gets worse.

They’re fighting hard, and the bandits are relentless. Jinora and Masaki, working together, had managed to arrest two of the bandits, and Opal and other metalbenders manage three more. She’s helping a merchant to his feet when she hears Kai shout, turns to the air to look for him - a water whip wraps around his ankle, slams him to the ground so hard it caves. There’s a sick crack that she can tell is breaking bone; Kai isn’t moving and Jinora acts without thinking, anger seething in her veins like nothing she’s ever felt. A gust of wind from her foot hits the waterbender square in the chest, and another by her fist, and another. They’re not quick enough to recover, not quick enough to fight back, and it’s enough for Ryu to grab them, knock them out from behind.

Jinora takes on anyone who steps even near Kai’s body, but she can’t look to see if he’s just unconscious or not breathing at all. She unleashes her anger, a primal instinct to protect rising within her, using their bending in retaliation to her advantage. It’s like a cord snapping in her chest, releasing power she knew was bottled deep down inside of her, but suddenly a nonbender is next to Jinora in a flash, grabbing her by her outstretched wrist.

He’s strong. He closes his fist around hers and twists her away, so sharp and hard that Jinora flies head over heels and lands several feet away, crashing into a merchant’s wooden stand. She cries out when she lands on something sharp, a rebar maybe, but she can’t tell, and it’s sticking out from her left thigh - rusted and bloody. The pain is so intense she nearly passes out, her vision blurry, ears still ringing. She doesn’t know if they even stopped. Jinora tries to get to her feet, but her knee gives out from underneath her and she stumbles, hardly catches herself when she falls.

Someone takes advantage of that. The ground erupts beneath her, throwing her into the side of the unstable building, and she had no time to react before a piece of rock is pulled from the ground and is sent flying towards her. Jinora’s bones are aching, and her arm screams in protest, but she wills the wind from her fingertips. It’s not enough, but it lessens the blow when the rock hits her in the stomach so it doesn’t kill her - and Jinora is falling, falling, rubble crashing around her, and then there’s nothing.

She wakes up an hour later, eyes squint from a hot, angry pain erupting in her head. Opal is leaning above her, mouth moving frantically, but the ringing is back and Jinora can’t hear her, can’t focus long enough. There’s darkness at the edge of her vision, the world keeps flickering. Ryu is there, too: his glasses are broken on one side, his lips chapped and split. He moves to hook his arms under hers, Opal supports her legs, to haul her up from the dirt. White hot agony shoots through her head like lightning at the movement, through her spine and ribs, her thigh feels like fire. Jinora can’t stop herself from crying out at the magnitude of it all.

Then the next thing Jinora notices is that she can’t feel anything beneath her left knee.

 _Say something_ , she thinks. She wants to, but she doesn’t know if she can. Her tongue is heavy, doesn’t want to move. The pain is too intense to form words. She feels nauseous.

Opal and Ryu don’t carry her for long. They stop at Pepper outside Misty Palms, Jinora can hear her worried rumble, and propel themselves onto her saddle. She thinks she blacks out for a while when they do, because when her eyes open again she’s staring at the stars and can’t remember how she got there. “Kai,” she grits out, her voice is raspy, throat like sandpaper, “h-he. Where…where’s Kai?” Jinora can’t really talk without stumbling over her words. A sharp pang of anxiety clutches at the pit of her stomach, because she’s read about that before and she realizes there is something _very_ wrong with her head.

No one answers her right away. Ryu isn’t there anymore, she thinks he must be at Pepper’s reigns, but Opal is sitting beside her with another man. He’s old, a gentle soul, and his hands are poised over her leg, water glowing a bright blue above her open wound. “Try not to speak,” Opal says instead, lays her hand on Jinora’s shoulder. She can’t focus on her face for very long; she looks dirty, she looks like she’s been crying. Her voice is gentle. “You hit your head really hard, whiplash, we think. Arrluk is going to take care of you until we can get you to Kya and Master Katara at the Temple. We’ve already radioed your parents.”

Jinora is dizzy. She doesn’t care about herself. She cares about Kai. She needs to know that he’s okay. He has to be okay.

Her arms move on her own accord to support her, pushing herself up by her forearms, trying to clear her disturbed vision to search for her boyfriend. Arrluk glances over at her, eyes stern. “Keep your head down,” he says, final but gentle. Jinora doesn’t listen, so Opal gently places her hands on her shoulders and lowers her back down for her, bottom lip worried between her teeth, dark brows furrowed. A shuddering sigh escapes Jinora’s throat, it’s mixed with a quiet groan of pain she bites back. It hurts to breath. Her ribs must be broken.

“Kai is fine,” Opal says, finally, but her voice is so unconvincing Jinora doesn’t believe her for a second, and suddenly she can’t think anymore. There’s a moment of agonizing silence, she wants to cry but she can’t, because she can’t think and her head and her neck hurt and she can’t feel her left foot and everything is bad.

“You’re going to be okay, Jinora,” Opal’s voice is fuzzy and distant, Jinora’s eyes flutter shut. “We’ve got you.”

The next time Jinora wakes up, she’s already home. 

-

Her injuries should have killed her.

Ikki hears her Aunt Kya saying that to her parents after hours of waiting for some semblance of news. For all intents and purposes, Jinora should have been very, very dead. Her sister is lucky though, because they got to a healer in time and then she was brought to her, and they managed to save her leg from being amputated and lessen the severity of her concussion, fix her broken bones. She won’t be able to move anything beneath her knee anymore, though, because the nerves were dead there.

Her mother cries and it’s an awful sound to hear, her father’s arm wrapped tight around her shoulders. Meelo and Ikki are both surprisingly quiet. Korra sits beside her, because she’s family too, hand on Ikki’s shoulder, and she doesn’t say anything. Rohan is only 8 years old, but he sits beside Ikki and she thinks he knows what’s going on more than Meelo does.

Auntie Kya looks tired, like she had used all of her energy into healing her niece. Tenzin puts his hand on her shoulder, eyes speaking volumes. “I can’t thank you enough, Kya” he says to her, and she places her hand over his briefly, smiles slightly, before walking down the hallway to her bedroom to rest.

Kai is gone, too. Opal and Ryu tried to recover his body, but couldn’t find it, and they had no time between defeating the rest of the bandits and getting to Jinora. Opal says, also, that Jinora was mostly responsible for handling a majority of the Kage members; exploding when she saw Kai go down, releasing her emotions through her anger. She says that it was terrifying and exhilarating all at once to see, but then Jinora must have got exhausted from exertion, and then she was down too.

Kai is dead, like half of her sister’s leg, and Ikki bows her head in silence when she realizes that this probably means Jinora won’t be the same anymore.


	2. so darkness i became

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone said that to make a character’s death more painful - give them unfinished goals. thus, this. >:)

**ii.**

She doesn’t allow anybody to visit her but her Aunt Kya, at first.

Not her parents, not Opal or Korra or any of her siblings. She doesn’t think she can handle seeing them; she knows they’ll pity her, look at her with nothing but sadness, treat her like she was about to fall apart.

And maybe she was, she couldn’t quite tell, because there was this numbness in her chest that swelled and swelled and swallowed her whole, and her mind still felt fuzzy all the time so Jinora thinks that if her Aunt Kya wasn’t there sitting with her all the time she might have accidentally stopped breathing without even realizing it. What scares her, just a little, is that she wouldn’t really care if she did.

But Aunt Kya is a welcome guest. She acts...normal. When she walks in she gives a gentle smile, cerulean eyes kind, and while she’s always asking how she’s feeling it’s nothing out of the ordinary from any other time, because she always did even before this, and while Jinora would rather be alone she appreciates her company over anyone else’s. Aunt Kya always has interesting stories to tell about her long years of travel around the world; it pulls Jinora’s mind from the darkness for at least a little bit, though she doesn’t say anything back, and Kya seems to know what she’s doing. She doesn’t say anything about it but Jinora can see the concern in her eyes, the way she sometimes looks at her when it’s time for another healing session to try and help her regain the nerve-function in her leg until Gran Gran arrived from the South Pole.

Jinora doubts anything will work, though. And it’s really not her biggest problem anymore.

Her leg feels odd. A weight that holds her down. There is feeling around her knee, but it’s like pins and needles all the time, fuzzy like her head, like her leg was on the verge of falling asleep. She hates it; she kind of wants it gone completely, but at the same time really doesn’t. When Jinora tells her Aunt Kya, voice flat: “Maybe we should just amputate it, get rid of the problem,” she looks up at her with wide eyes, lips parted, but doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t know what to say, maybe.

She doesn’t understand it, none of them do: they don’t understand what it’s like to wake up one day and suddenly one part of you is dead and it’s just _there_  and you can’t do anything about it.

Korra would understand, though, on some level. After everything she’s been through after her battle with Zaheer, learning how to walk again, finding herself. Her paralysis wasn’t permanent, just extensive damage, but she knew what this feeling was like. Somehow, though, Jinora can’t bring herself to ask to see her and she’s not sure why. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t want her to open the doors to those memories again. She doesn’t want Korra to be upset, after seeing all that her trauma did to her, doesn’t want her to lose herself again. Maybe Jinora just didn’t want help at all, she didn’t deserve it.

“Here sweetie,” Aunt Kya says, entering the room with a glass of water. Jinora is sitting up in her bed, legs and waist covered by a thin blanket. Her head still aches, like her neck, but it’s dull and hardly noticeable. It’s not on fire anymore, neither is her thigh, thanks to a day of healing when she got back to the island that she was unconscious for. “You could use something to drink. Don’t want to dehydrate yourself.”

Jinora takes it when she hands it over but doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t smile, doesn’t know if she can: certainly doesn’t want to. Without - without him around, there’s really no reason to. No way that she can. She wants him here, needs him here, but he’s not. Never will be. His absence feels  _wrong_ and it’s huge and impossible to ignore and Jinora _hates_ it.

Kya sits down on the chair beside her, near the window, hands in her lap. She’s watching her, careful, but she doesn’t look pitying. Jinora raises her arm to drink her water; it’s freezing on her throat, but she likes it, because her leg she can’t really feel anything anymore. “Your mom and dad really want to see you, you know.”

She looks over at her, shifts awkwardly, not sure what to say.

“They were in your room the whole time you were unconscious last night, didn’t leave your side until we had to make room to heal you,” Kya says, “your siblings, too. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep them out. You know Meelo, Ikki and your father and their wild tempers. You mom,” she whistles, shakes her head a bit, “tiny thing is force to be reckoned with when it comes to her kids.”

“I want to see them,” Jinora says, slow, a little unsure. “I miss them. I just...I just don’t want them to look at me any differently.”

“Why do you think they’d do that?”

“My leg, for starters...And because I killed him.” The answer comes so easily, passes dry lips not a moment after Kya asks. Jinora can’t get herself to say his name though, can’t even think it. Kya freezes, mouth open, so she continues speaking. “I got him involved and I couldn’t protect him. I’m an airbending master and I let a couple of bandits beat me around and get the better of me, so now he’s gone.”

“Jinora-”

“I should be dead, right? That’s what you said to my parents, I heard it.” She puts the water on the bedside table, hands shaking. “Why do I get to live but he doesn’t? How is that fair at all?”

There’s a short moment of silence before Kya stands, moves to sit at the edge of Jinora’s bed. She grabs one of her tattooed hands, squeezes; a physical comfort that is meant to help placate her, make her feel better. Jinora flinches, wants to move away but unsure why, so her aunt holds her hand tighter, looks her dead in the eyes. “It’s not. We find in life that things like this are always unfair, no matter which way you look at it. I know what it’s like to feel what you’re feeling. To lose somebody you love. I lost my wife when you were just a baby.”

Jinora doesn’t say anything, sits feeling small and helpless and curious. One of Aunt Kya’s hands goes to her betrothal necklace, dark fingers fiddling with it, and there’s a tiny, tiny tug that pulls her lips into a smile. She can see a revival of happy memories in her eyes, can see the love there. “This guilt that you’re feeling, Jinora, it sneaks up on you and then hits you all at once. It’ll eat at you from the inside out. It’s the worst kind of punishment, the most evil form of manipulation, but it won’t destroy you. It’ll leave you a mangled mess of a person instead.”

She pauses, takes a deep breath, as if she was remembering what it was like to feel it. “That’s why you have to be strong. Kai made the decision to go on that mission on his own. You should know that it isn’t your fault. If you keep blaming yourself because of ‘what ifs’ you can’t make amends with what happened and you never will. It’ll never really go away, but it just makes it a little easier to live with.”

“How long did it take you?” Jinora asks, looking down at their hands. “To...to accept it?”

Kya stares, considering. She speaks honestly, which Jinora appreciates. “A while. It’s not easy, but I had my family to help me get through it. You do too, just beyond this door. And Korra - spirits, that girl wants to help. She almost burnt down one of the pagoda’s when I told her you didn’t want to see anyone just yet.”

Jinora bites at her bottom lip. It’s still split, from when that man punched her. None of the healers thought it was first priority, all things considered. “I want to see them now, though,” she says. Kya smiles, nods, but before she gets up to leave she presses a soft kiss to the top of Jinora’s head. When she exits the room she leaves the door open. Jinora can hear her talking, and not a moment later does Pema rush in, tears on her face, and gathers her into her arms. She falls into them easily, it’s familiar and full of motherly love, but she doesn’t cry. Doesn’t feel any better.

She wants it to be him; because whenever he has his arms around her, the whole world just  _disappears._

 

 

 

 

 

**interlude.**

She’s standing with her hands clenched in fists as her sides, a grimace on her face, and Kai knows he’s in a world of trouble before she even opens her mouth. Jinora was always so calm, collected, rarely had he seen her lose her temper. But when she did, it came in a short, frightening burst.

“You told  _MEELO?_ ”

Kai scratches the back of his head, gives her a sheepish smile. Jinora glares at him, brown eyes narrowed. He swallows thickly, trying to figure some way that he can talk his way out of this one. “Uh...no?”

“Don’t lie!” Jinora huffs, “he’s been talking about it all morning. It took me an hour to get him to shut up without risking him telling my dad anything.”

“It’s not really that big of a deal, Jin.” He says, shrugs broadening shoulders. Kai winces at her grimace, talks quickly before she could do anything, because he’s positive she could possibly make him disappear without a trace if she really wants to. “I didn’t have a choice! The kid is evil, he had me cornered! He knew before I told him anything.”

He sees Jinora’s shoulders visibly relax in resignation and breathes a quiet sigh of relief. “If my dad ever finds out that we snuck off the island he might actually have a heart attack.” She says, sighing, “but I told Meelo I’d do his chores for a month if he kept his big mouth shut. We just have to make sure Ikki doesn’t find out.”

Kai’s signature guilty smile comes back. “Well..about that…”

_“Kai!”_

-

“I can’t believe that your dad let us go!”

Kai really can’t believe it. It’s a real life miracle, he thinks, because Master Tenzin has had it out for him ever since he found out Kai and Jinora were seeing each other. Glares at the dinner table if he ever sits too close, cheeks burning red if he sees Kai put his arm around his waist. He knows that it’s not on his personal agenda to destroy Kai’s relationship with his daughter, because they got along just fine on their own. He’s just being a dad. It was annoying sometimes, sure, but he understood it.

Usually Tenzin denied Jinora permission to go out to Republic City with Kai, alone. But they were seventeen and eighteen respectively, now, desperate to go out to see a mover and get some dinner and have some privacy away from her crazy siblings. So Kai had asked, watched as Pema nudged him sharply in the ribs, and was thoroughly surprised to hear him confirm.

“I know,” Jinora says, smiling, “are you sure you didn’t slip any cactus juice in his tea this morning?”

He laughs, throws his head back with a bright smile, and swings their hands in between them. Their fingers interlocked, tight. No matter how many times Kai has held Jinora’s hand his skin still gets all tingly and weird - but weird in a good way: he loves it. So he always tries to hold it whenever he can. “I didn’t, I promise!” He says with a laugh, “though I think I just might have to do that when I ask him to marry you.”

_Whoops._

They both freeze at the same time, just underneath Avatar Korra’s statue in the park. Jinora is looking at him with bright pink cheeks and big wide eyes, lips parted in evident surprise. She looks speechless. Kai seizes up immediately, retracts his hand to rub at the back of his neck. A stupid, nervous habit.

“Did I say marry you?” He asks, voice teetering up and cracking, just a little. His lips pull up into a sheepish smile, his face and ears burning an embarrassing red. “I mean - ha, well I meant when I ask him to...when I ask him to...carry you to..the beach! Carry you to the beach so I can throw you in the water.” Kai blurts out. Jinora’s eyebrows raise, but he rambles on before she can say anything. “Ha, marry, that’s funny! I don’t know why I said that! We’re waay too young to get married yet anyway -”

Spirits. If he had only been an earthbender he could at least get the ground to swallow him up before he said something to make this situation even worse or more awkward  than it already was.

Kai slaps a hand to his forehead, runs his fingers through his wild hair. “Can we forget I ever said anything?”

“I don’t want to,” Jinora says. When he looks up she’s smiling at him, blushing still, amusement and love in her eyes. He could get lost in them, wouldn’t have minded it if he did. Green eyes widen in shock, heart hammering against his chest. “You want to…” she clears her throat, “you want to marry me one day?”

He can’t believe she’s even asking. Can’t believe how surprised she seems, like she doubts he would even consider it, when he knows that she knows his love for her was unconditional - everlasting, permanent. Kai was young, but he had loved her since they were kids. He just didn’t know it then. So he turns kind of serious, grabs both of her hands in his own again, his lips in a crooked grin. “Of course I do Jinora,” he says, “I’ve pretty much always known that.”

Kai would probably marry her right then and there if he could. But he doesn’t say that. Instead: “You know those days where sometimes you sneak into my room at night when you can’t sleep?” He asks, and she nods, her blush growing darker. It’s adorable. “And in the mornings we just lay there in each other’s arms and talk for a while before you have to go back? Well...one day in the future I want to do that every morning with you.”

Jinora doesn’t say anything, but Kai swears he sees her eyes shine with unshed tears. She pulls her hands from his, cups his face, and reaches up on her toes to press her lips to his. Her lips are soft and familiar and she tastes like farmstead apples. He wants to kiss her forever if that means he’ll get to press her body to his, tangle his fingers in her hair, hold her until they’re both breathless. When they part, he keeps her close to him, their foreheads touch and warm breath mingles. Kai loves every second.

“One day,” she whispers. A shy smile, flushed cheeks.

He nods, smiles back. “One day.” 

_He can’t wait._


	3. day old hate

**iii.**

The first step Jinora takes, she falls.

With the faulty half of her left leg, Jinora was learning how to walk properly all over again, with a crutch under her arm to prevent her from falling. It’s not ideal, in fact she almost cries when she sees it, but it’s better than sitting in a wheelchair for the rest of her life. They decide to see how she is without it first, though, Jinora kind of wishes they didn’t to save her the embarrassment.

Her knee gives out; she can’t feel her foot touch the floor, and there’s no support, so she stumbles and falls and the only thing she accomplishes is not letting her face slam into the ground by catching herself with her hands. Pema rushes to help her up, but Korra beats her too it, callous hand wrapping tight around one of her upper arms. Jinora wants to pull away from her, push her away because she doesn’t want to be touched. It sets her teeth on edge, puts her mind back to Misty Palms - she couldn’t see anyone but the enemy. But she doesn’t pull away, just breathes heavy and accepts the help with aching bones. She’s sure without the Avatar there to support her she wouldn’t be able to stand up by herself as quickly as she wants to.

Jinora has always prided herself for having a phenomenal sense of balance. When she walked she was weightless, like a feather, like air. She could steady herself on a pole on the toes of one foot and meditate with flying lemurs perched on her shoulders. Now she could hardly even walk with two feet, let alone stand. And, for her, there was no greater demon than failure.

It was why she strived to get her mastery tattoos when she was 11 years old. She wanted to make her father proud, make the grandfather she never met, proud.

Apparently it was all for nothing.

The chances of Jinora being able to airbend like she used to is slim to none. It hurts to think about, because like him, airbending is her life; but the pain of it is dull compared to everything else that’s happened. Every inch of her feels like a storm; an avalanche. He’s dead, half of her leg is dead, her airbending useless. The only reason why she’s trying at all is because she knows that, if it were him, he would be doing anything in his power to bounce back. Knows that if he were here, he would want her to _try._ So she is.

When she’s upright she tears her arm out of Korra’s grip, holding onto the railing instead that they’d put up so she can support herself. “It’s okay sweetheart,” Pema says, hands clasped together in front of her. Her voice is soft, tired, a little hopeful. Jinora feels sorry for worrying her. “It was only your first try. You’ll be on your feet again in no time!”

“I guess so,” Jinora says, short, doesn’t feel much like talking at all anymore.

“Your mother’s right,” Korra agrees, looks a little hurt that Jinora pushed her away but doesn’t comment. “It took me a while to even want to try. It’s only been three days since,” she pauses, “well - since. You’re really strong for wanting to dive into this so quickly, Jinora. You just need to have a little more confidence in yourself to do this. I know it’s in there somewhere, you just have to look a little.” There’s sincerity in her words, sounds like the big sister she always was. “Maybe it’s better if you start off with the crutch, though, right Master Katara?”

Her gran-gran nods, seated near the far wall beside Pema and Aunt Kya. “Yes. It will be uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the easier it will become.” Korra nods, enthusiastic, and reaches to grab the crutch from the side of Jinora’s bed. It was made for her size, specifically, and there was padding at the top so it wouldn’t be irritable underneath her arm. Jinora looks at it like it’s poisonous.

“I remember using that thing,” she hears her Aunt Kya whisper to her mother, then says something else she can’t hear. Probably doesn’t want her to. She’s almost glad.

Jinora swallows, grabs the crutch, places it under her arm. “Okay, I’m ready to try this,” she breathes; but she isn’t ready, not really, and the numbness is back, swallows her up, and she’s pretty sure that it’ll never go away.

-

Ikki tells her on that same night that their father sent out a search team the night before, including Opal and Bolin, for Kai’s body. Jinora bristles, feels ice in her veins, and she wants nothing more than to get up and scream because she should be there, should be there helping them look for him, because it’s her fault in the first place. She owes him the peace of bringing him home, at least. _She_ needs to bring him home. Jinora wonders, though, what it would be like to be back at Misty Palms. The place where her entire world changed in just one night.

But instead her fists close around the sheets of her bed, white knuckled grip, and she thinks Ikki notices but is relieved her sister doesn’t say anything about it.

Jinora doesn’t respond. Just stares down at her clenched fists, they’re trembling and her eyes feel glassy, a lump in her throat. She hasn’t really cried since it’s happened, just briefly, it’s like she can’t. Ikki is curled up at the end of her bed. Her baby sister has made it a point to do this every night since she began allowing visitors, and it was nice because she missed her, and Jinora couldn’t really sleep anymore, so it was a welcome distraction.

“Dad says I can get my tattoos soon!” Ikki comments brightly, clapping her hands together excitedly. She says it to change the topic, something brighter, happier, but it doesn’t really help. She seems to notice. “I was wondering...and I know it’s like, a month away or something, but...would you want to help me shave my head? I kind of don’t want to, because it’s so long! But it’s tradition, so I’m gonna!”

“Yeah,” Jinora says, “I’ll help you.”

Her sister’s grey eyes are so bright, her smile so big, and Jinora realizes she hasn’t really seen her smile like that since before she left for Misty Palms. “Yay!” Ikki gasps, jumping up and pulling Jinora into a tight hug. Then she retracts, looks sheepish. “Is there any chance you forgot that I teased you for being bald when you got yours?”

“Not a chance,” Jinora huffs, almost smile a little.

It’s something.

-

Jinora feels nothing, and then she feels everything all at once.

She’s finally out of her room, using the crutch beneath her arm to unsteadily move herself around. She’s been practicing using it properly since she’s got it, and walking now is weird and uncomfortable and she really kind of hates it, but she can’t sit around in her room anymore doing nothing while the others are out searching for a body that should have been right where it was when she last seen it. So she decides to join her family for dinner, because she’s been eating in her bedroom since she returned from Misty Palms.

When Pema sees her, her smile is watery and there are tears in her eyes. “Look at you, up on your feet!” She says, and the others are smiling too - Korra, Asami and all of Jinora’s siblings. Jinora wishes they wouldn’t, almost wishes she didn’t come out at all.. It doesn’t feel encouraging.

And there’s the numbness gnawing at her heart, her foggy mind, so Jinora doesn’t say anything. Just limps to her respective spot and sits, awkward, putting the crutch on the ground with an unnecessary amount of force.

Rohan sits beside her, silently eating his vegetables while the others talk, and she notices him watching her push the food around her plate. Perceptive. He was always so perceptive and curious, almost reminds her of herself. He brings a small hand up to scratch at his pointy hair, and she meets his eyes; they’re green and innocent, and Jinora knows what’s about to come out of his mouth before he even opens it.

“Are you sad because Kai isn’t back yet?” He asks.

Meelo elbows him sharply, Asami chokes on her tea (Korra pats her on the back, eyes sad) and Jinora looks down at her untouched food, shoulders tensing. The rest of the dinner is silent.

When everyone is finished Ikki and Asami follow Pema into the kitchen to help her clean up, her brothers running off to play elsewhere. Jinora is left alone with Korra and Tenzin, and the two of them turn to her as she rises, off balance, and reaches to grab her crutch so she can leave. She hasn’t really eaten, her appetite gone - she hasn’t really had one in a while. She only really ate because she knew she needed to, but mostly because her mother and Aunt Kya hover around until she does.

She’s halfway out of the room when her father speaks. “Jinora,” he calls out, and she pauses, back facing him, doesn’t turn around. She hears the shuffle of his nomad robes as he stands, hears Korra follow his lead. “You haven’t eaten anything. I understand you’re grieving and I know that this is unimaginably difficult for you with your leg-”

“No, you _don’t know!_ ” Jinora shouts, it’s sudden, a sharp outburst of pent up frustration. Like something snapped inside of her chest. She whips around when she says it, cheeks colored red, and a powerful gust of wind shoots from her palm. The table goes flying, smashing into the wall and just narrowly missing Korra’s shoulder. The plates shatter against the ground, glass shards scattered.

Her father stands silent, shock evident in his eyes, and Jinora hears her family in the next room go quiet but she doesn’t care. “You’re always think you know everything but you don’t! You don’t know anything about what I’m going through! I don’t need you breathing down my neck every day and night trying to help me when you don’t understand how it feels to know that y _ou’re the reason why the love of your life is dead_! I don’t care about my stupid leg, I care about what happened to him!”

“Jinora, I -”

She feels bad when she sees the hurt look on her father’s face, but her anger cripples the guilt that clutches at her chest making it hard to breathe, pushes it down. She can’t do it anymore, can’t sit around acting like she isn’t furious, like everything is just fine. She won’t. “I’m sick of everyone looking at me like I’m sort of barely walking tragedy,” Jinora interrupts. She’s not shouting anymore, it’s like she can’t. “I’m sick of the pity I see in all of you every time I come around. I get it. Kai is dead. None of you need to remind me.”

Tenzin says nothing. Just stands, stares with his arms at his sides, his sharp brows furrowed. Korra is standing at the doorway, looking lost and unsure of what to do, what to say, but it doesn’t matter. Not really.

Jinora’s breathing becomes uneven; the anger is gone and so is the numbness and there’s this feeling in her chest that hurts. “Kai is dead,” she whispers, and then the pain consumes her completely. Her father catches her when her knees buckle, when the crutch falls to the ground with a clatter. He slides down to the floor with her, presses her against his chest. Jinora’s hands wrap tight around his robes, pulls at them; she’s sobbing now, and it’s painful and wracks her whole body and she can’t breathe.

“Daddy,” she cries, hasn’t called him that since she was eleven - feels like she is again. Small and helpless. His arms tighten around her, one of his hands at the back of her head. “Please make it go away, daddy,” she says, eyes squeezed shut, wonders if the tears will ever stop falling. “It _hurts._ ”

“I know it does, sweetheart,” Tenzin whispers, fingers stroking her hair. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise not every chapter is going to be a pain-fest guys.


	4. in time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for how long this chapter took to get up - and also how short!

**IV**

Opal and Bolin return with Kai’s body two days after Jinora destroys their table and all of her mother’s hundred year old china. Juicy lands by the docks of Air Temple Island late in the morning, and the remaining members of the search group scatter, heads bowed, while the couple gently lower her boyfriend onto the earth. Unmoving.

She cries, at first. It’s such a big loss that everybody does. That physical certainty that he really is dead is a pain worse than just assuming. It’s like a punch to the gut, a stab in the chest. His body is bent and broken and she listens when Bolin describes the bandits had him hanging by his wrists on a post outside Misty Palms but she can’t really hear him. But then her crutch clatters to the ground and she falls onto her knees beside his broken body in the dirt and she doesn’t cry anymore. She just kneels beside him, her hand over his heart - Jinora feels how hollow his chest is, feels how wrong it is that his heart, just beneath, no longer beats soft and quick.

“Leave us alone,” Jinora whispers, voice defeated but final. She won’t say it again, and she makes sure that they know that. Her father removes a gentle hand from her shoulder and everybody hesitates before they’re gone, mumbling and crying amongst themselves.

Her fingers find his cheek, ridden with ash and dirt, before she delicately combs the hair from his face. Kai is silent, eyes closed, lips parted just a crack. It’s almost like he’s sleeping. He looks at peace, despite how fatal his injuries were. She desperately hopes that he is.

Her hand rests on his chest again and she wishes it was her on the ground lying so still. She wouldn’t care. “We’ll find each other again one day, love, I promise.” She says softly, pauses after a gentle sigh. “One day.”

Jinora doesn’t know how long she stays there for. When her mother finally comes to pull her away, it’s dark.

-

A week later, she hardly ever leaves her room.

In a week and three days, she almost doesn’t attend his funeral.

In two weeks her mother begins to worry.

In three weeks she brings a book to his grave and starts to read. In four, she forgets what Kai’s voice sounds like. In five she thinks maybe the pain will start to go away.

It doesn’t.

-

Asami builds her a brace.

It would go from the heel of her foot to her thigh, wrapped tight around, and it was made specifically to help her bend her knew whenever she walks, to help her move around without a constant crutch underneath her arm. She isn’t sure how it works exactly, but Asami stares down at it with pride on her face, green eyes wide and bright, and Jinora reminds herself to ask her all about the mechanics of it later.

The brace matches her nun robes, though it’s a little darker than her boots and loose fitting trousers. It’s not bulky either, and accommodates to Jinora’s build well so it would be easier to airbend with. Asami has a good sense of style, though, and it shows through her work. Jinora appreciates it a lot more than she thought she would have.

She helps Jinora put it on comfortable, her mechanic’s fingers gentle and thoughtful. “Let me know if it feels loose or tight around your knee or your thigh,” Asami says, chewing thoughtfully on her lower lip while she tightens the strap around the ankle Jinora can’t feel. “I had to guess the proportions based off of your height and weight but it seems to fit nicely. What do you think?”

Jinora glances down, bites at the inside of her cheek, her hand smoothing over the top of the brace and the circle at the side of her knee, familiarizing the way that it feels. “It’s a little tight around my thigh,” she admits quietly, a small blush on her cheeks. Asami hums and moves to loosen it; while she does, Jinora can’t help but wonder how it’ll feel to walk with it, wonder if she’ll be stuck with a limp for the rest of her life or regain some sense of normality with it. She wonders what airbending will be like now that she doesn’t have the crutch, if she’ll move like the wind again. Asami was a genius, a powerful woman with a powerful and beautiful mind, so the idea wasn’t impossible.

She just doesn’t want to get her hopes up.

Once Jinora confirms that the adjustments feel comfortable, Asami rises, brushes off her hands and nods in satisfaction. “You ready to try this baby out?” She asks, lips twisting into a gentle (eager, but also a tad anxious) smile. “You can still use the crutch if you need help balancing. I designed it so when the bottom of your heel touches the ground you’ll be able to feel it around your knee so it won’t give out. We’ve tested it several times, but you’ll be the dealbreaker. If anything I can always take it back to the warehouse to modify it.” Korra is standing off to the side, arms crossed, looking at her wife like she was the most incredible woman in the world. Jinora kind of can’t blame her.

“I think I’m ready,” Jinora responds and takes a steadying breath. She doesn’t really feel ready, because she’s nervous that it won’t work, but she steels herself anyway.

She rises up from the chair slowly, pushing up with her hands. For a second Jinora wobbles - she had already gotten so used to having support beneath her arm that standing on her own feels awkward. But  _she can stand on her own_ , and that’s incredible in itself. Korra and Asami are watching her like hawks from the side, cerulean and green eyes wide and hopeful; she can tell they’re both ready to catch her if she falls. Jinora though, feels surprisingly balanced.

Jinora takes one single step forward with her right leg and then finally, her left.

It still feels heavy and awkward, but her heel touches the floor and sends a jolt of solidity up her leg and she feels it in her knee enough to stop it from giving out. Her breath leaves her in a small laugh of disbelief, confidence swells in her chest. So she takes another step, and another, and another.

“Wahoo!” Korra cries, throwing her fist in the air. Her smile is so big, all stark white teeth, that it’s almost contagious. “You did it, ‘Sami! She can walk! Jinora,” She breathes, “ _you can walk!_ ”

“I’m so relieved,” Asami says, sounds just as proud as she looks, “I was really worried there for a second that it wouldn’t help you like I’d hoped. I know it’ll take some getting used to, but -”

“Thank you, Asami,” Jinora interrupts. Her voice is sincere, and for the first time in over a month she feels that pain gripping at her heart, talons razor sharp, lift from her shoulders for more than just a few minutes. It’s enough to bring a genuine grin to her face again. “I’m not sure a simple thank you is enough to express how much I appreciate you doing this for me. Really, I - just...Thank you.”

The older woman says nothing but instead responds with a watery smile. Korra slings her arm around her waist and pulls her into a kiss - Jinora looks away, finds herself walking with a much slighter limp to the mirror on the opposite side of the room. She stands in front of it, pulls her red sash over one of her bare shoulders to complete her robes, fastens the belt tight around her waist. Nights plagued with terrible dreams or bouts of insomnia have left purple bags beneath her eyes, had left her skin pale so the freckles peppered around the bridge of her nose stood out more prominently. Jinora hardly recognizes herself, but standing on her own brings out a sense of familiarity.

But it’s gone quick when she remembers Kai isn’t there anymore to come up to hug her from behind, whisper that she was beautiful in her ear. She’ll never hear his voice again, smooth like butter, already can’t remember what it sounds like. So the normality fades, Jinora’s mind is fuzzy again with guilt and grief, wonders if she’s stuck with it forever or if it’ll ever really go away.

She doubts it.

Her hands clench into fists suddenly, fingernails imprinting crescent indents into the sensitive flesh of her palms. No. She can’t think like this anymore. Jinora knows she is strong, determined, knows that she can get through this. She can.  _She can she can she can -_

She will.


End file.
